Captain Luxon encounters unexpected turbulence

David Armstrong is a Wellington-based playwright and satirist.

OPINION: Kia ora, you are flying with NZNAT22. This is your Captain Christopher speaking. First of all, I want to apologize for the late departure. We’ve had a few different riders lately, but hopefully things have calmed down now.

We are currently sailing at an altitude of around 38%, although we expect some turbulence in the next 18 months. That said, I will try to create turbulence rather than let turbulence get to me.

Today I’m joined on the cockpit by… actually, there’s no co-pilot today because we don’t believe in co-governance. We don’t need Maori this and Maori that, we need to put New Zealand first, but not New Zealand first.

Our team today includes Nicola, Chris and Shane, and they will answer all your questions. And if you have any particularly awkward ones, I’ll bring my good friends John and Bill over, and they’ll help you sort things out.

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* National leader Christopher Luxon ‘loves Labor Day’ but also wants to get rid of it
* Let’s give up for the hardworking Kiwis

If you look left – in fact, don’t look left, that’s the problem with this country. But if you look to the centre-right, you’ll see a beautiful opportunity landscape below, populated by plenty of average New Zealand workers – who earn 180,000 a year or more – who shouldn’t be penalized for their business , hard yakka and heritage.

These strong people don’t rely on the state for donations – unless it’s a business that has received a generous Covid donation and I can assure you we won’t cut a dime from that funding.

We expect to arrive in government sometime in October 2023. If you look under your seats, you will find a saving. My team is happy to explain how it works, although if Paul mentions numbers, take them with a grain of salt. Remember that a New Zealand economy grows on its own, you don’t have to do anything.

In the unlikely event of an economic crash, stock prices will fall in front of you. Please take care of yourself and the hard-working business community first, then take care of the children, the poor, the unemployed, or the beneficiaries. You’ll also find a sick bag in front of you that you can use if I tell you I ran an airline.

Our team serving you today is awesome. We have high caliber Maori, religious fanatics and more middle-aged Pākehā men you can shake a stick at. Thanks to the recent relaxation of the Covid regulations, I am delighted that we can have a snack today. Passengers who earn more than 180,000 per year will enjoy a full Koru Hour bar service with two types of cheese.

Those earning the middle wage will get a packet of corn chips worth $2 – about the weekly tax cut you’ll receive under National. Those who earn minimum wage, which is far too high, will only get a piece of cake.

If you need transport once you arrive at your destination, ask one of our helpful crew to book a taxi. There will be no public transport available unless they start to pay for themselves and not rely on ridiculous subsidies. And for those who claim that airlines are subsidized, that is simply not true. We have been bailed out several times but never subsidized.

For those traveling in June, if you look up into the night sky, you’ll get a great view of the constellation Matariki. Enjoy, but do we really need an expensive holiday in Matariki? There are so many better things to celebrate with a holiday, like the birth of an elderly lady living halfway around the world – and it’s not even her real birthday or one of the greatest military defeats of New Zealand. As for Labor Day, it is my opinion, and my party policy, to get rid of it.

If you have just arrived from abroad and have extra coins in your pocket, remember to put them in the bags provided. This money will go to the most needy people in our community – those who earn over 180,000 a year and whose incomes are taxed and who cannot sell their investment properties because of this damned line rule Claire.

Thanks to your donation, high-income people will be able to afford things that are currently far too expensive, such as flying back to Hokitika or Gisborne.

In the meantime, relax and enjoy the journey. I would like to thank my young colleague Simeon for handing out the lollipops and I hope you enjoyed flying with NZNAT22, a paying member of the Five Eyes Alliance.

By the way, I never said that Labor Day should be abolished, I was being facetious. I never said that no public transport should be subsidized, I was taken out of context. Why are all these journalists attacking me? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Control tower – I’m losing altitude! Nicola, Chris, Shane – come and help us. I said help, can someone hear me? WHOOP WHOOP! PULL PULL!